Apr30

Firsts

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Firsts

imageApril 25th through 29th I experienced an overload of “firsts.” I took my first trip to Florida to attend my first Leather conference, Beyond Leather 5. It was extraordinary!

Invited by Ice Empress, my very good friend and Leather Family member, who is a regular member of the Beyond Leather (BL) volunteer team and former Florida resident, I hopped a plane and headed south. The weather was just as I suspected, HOT and wet!

The event was so much more than I could have ever imagined. The word surreal seems to get abused; but, that is exactly what it was. Kinksters, Leathermen, Pony players and handlers invaded the Sheraton in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and we took in presentations, demonstrations, classes, and kinky goods for 5 days. It was overwhelming in all the best ways.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with a conference, it is a period of hours or days jam-packed with thematic  presentations. In this case, all things BDSM, Leather, and Kink. During the conference I attempted (and failed miserably) Florentine Flogging. I was the lone brave, and giggly, soul to volunteer in the strap-on (dildo sex) play presentation. I limited my flirting at the singles’ mixer; which isn’t a first, but certainly a rarity. Learned more than I could ever process about Shibari bondage (rope tying). Introduced a brand new taboo kink to Hardy Haberman. Cried buckets of tears with a room full of strangers during a cross gender play discussion. I attended my first cigar social. Got “mummified” by 2 of Ice Empress’ friends. Enjoyed naked fire dancing. Cheered ringside at naked lube wrestling–just as it sounds, naked men and women, wrestling while covered in lube. And for the very first time, touched a pussy that wasn’t mine, in a fisting class! I put my whole hand inside of a vagina.

I met so many beautiful and interesting people. Shared energy and love with a community of what was often described as “Sexual Outlaws.” And made many new connections and friends. I could not have imagined a better way to spend my first visit to Florida.

As I unpacked my bags tonight, I noticed the event booklet cover (in my Sinful Sunday image) reads “Positive Energy” right above the conference dates; which reminds of each person that I met and the FetLife messages I received from BL attendees; they all had a similar message: my “positive energy” and “bright spirit” — well, except the gentleman who noticed my erect nipples before my “energy.”  I have taken the moniker The Winsome Gypsy for a reason; but, I honestly believe that I am a conduit of the energy in the room, relationship, or situation. If the occasional person finds me nasty or negative, I genuinely think that it is because it is their “spirit” that I am reflecting.

So, in this resort filled to the rafters with kinksters, with different fetishes, abilities, backgrounds, goals, and dynamics, from around the country flooded the resort with their positive energy. All of the sunshine that lives inside of my soul shone through. Even during the rough moments, we all saw one another as who we are and who we strive to be: OURSELVES. For the first time in the year that I’ve embraced my kinkiness, I realize that is all I wanted, is to be and be seen as myself.

Sinful Sunday

Apr23

Memories

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Memories

Today I wanted to share some memories from the past year. I hope that readers receive these words in the positive spirit in which they are intended. Today is a new day!

I remember the first time he perved me.

I remember asking him for a spanking.

I remember the first tasks he assigned me.

I remember when I existed in a safe little secret nest.

I remember getting swept away.

I remember the first time he wrote “good girl.”

I remember the first time I heard his voice.

I remember the first time he told me that he couldn’t wait to get his hands on me.

I remember making plans for our first meeting.

I remember the thinking we would only play one time and hoping we’d be friends after.

I remember the first time I saw his face.

I remember the first time he slapped my ass.

I remember the first time he kissed me.

I remember the time he said he intended to keep me under his boot where I belonged.

I remember feeling that I belonged there.

I remember the first time he gave me a tag to wear with his name on it.

I remember the first time he allowed me to “speak freely” without the constraints of dynamic.

I remember the first time he told me he was “so proud” of me.

I remember the first time he told me he loved me.

I remember when the first time he cuddled and spooned me, making me feel safe.

I remember being startled by his snoring; and then giggling while he slept, holding me in his arms.

I remember him introducing me to the women he loves the most.

I remember sharing secrets.

I remember disappointing him.

I remember always feeling that I couldn’t do “it” well enough.

I remember being happy for him and all the love in his life.

I remember when he became He.
I remember being honored to serve him and trying to find new ways to make him proud.

I remember feeling invisible and envious and insecure.

I remember lashing out at him.

I remember begging for forgiveness.

I remember him forgiving me.

I remember the crushing feeling of being a disappointment.

I remember hoping for more.

I remember giving up.

I will always remember how much I’ve loved him; how much I’ve learned about myself; how much he’s taught me about real life.

——

I have so many wonderful memories of the past year. Meeting Big Poppa, serving him, being able to do the little things to help has been amazing. Meeting his wife and girlfriend, who’ve been great friends to me has been such a blessing and support. I’m glad to know all three of them and have them as friends. I’m excited to take the things that I’ve learned and apply them to the rest of my kinky life. I am thankful for the time I spent serving him; and look forward to continuing to serve the House of Nine in an honorable fashion.

Apr22

Fading

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Fading

If you look closely you can see the fading marks from his teeth, cane, and knife. Some from a few months ago and some from March, the last time we “played.” Our very last date. The marks will eventually fade, but my memories won’t.

There are moments when I am giddy and excited about the prospect of fulfilling my own fantasies. Finding and doing the things that I think that I’ll enjoy. The reasons that I stepped into the world of kink. And then the flood of tears return along with the fear of never again being able to let go enough to trust someone with my body and mind. I know it won’t happen any time soon. I rarely let anyone in. Not friends, not lovers.

So, for now, after one year of every moment, movement, and inch of my body belonging to him, I have to trust myself. Take control of my body, my mind, my orgasms, my present, and my future.

 

Sinful Sunday

Jan30

The Power of Prayer

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The Power of Prayer

“LORD, I seek refuge in You; let me never be disgraced. In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me. Be a rock of refuge for me, where I can always go. Give the command to save me, for You are my rock and fortress.”   Psalm 1-3:71

Like many prayers, it started with fear–a personal crisis; and in this case with a few words sent on May 23, 2011. We had only “played” together once; but online for a few months. I told Him that I was afraid that I was getting too caught up in Him. I wanted Him too much. His reply was just a few words, “Let go. Worship me, girl.”

Those words ignited a spark; I rushed to my journal and wrote this:

“He is my new religion
He has many followers
Some worship at His feet
Others are fanatics
Seek to possess Him as their own

There is a high priestess
I watched His eyes light up as He praised her

I am content in knowing that with religion you cannot own It
You cannot keep It to or for yourself
You just believe and trust
Draw your strength from It

I only seek to serve Him
As I lay my body at His altar
Not as a sacrificial offering
But to receive my blessing”

What followed was a discussion about exploring “Deity Play” and agreement to compose an original daily “prayer,” or what I publicly refer to as devotionals. What we do is much different than religious play.  Instead of donning religious garb and playing at priest/nun/parishioner; He is represented as my God, the one man I worship and revere.  These prayers play a big part in this.

Over these months I’ve realized that these prayers have power. Power over me. Power between us. The power to give credence to someone who accused me of being unstable. For outsiders, onlookers, and naysayers to judge His relationship with me.

For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. Psalm 10:71

Along with the thrice daily prayers, I wear a bracelet that is a physical representation of this daily devotional–like rosary beads, in our leather family colors. When I am anxious, I find myself gripping it for strength. Or excited, I catch myself twirling it on my wrist. Since May, I’ve left home twice without it. I don’t flash it or flaunt it; but I always know it’s there.

In Your justice, rescue and deliver me; listen closely to me and save me. Be a rock of refuge for me, where I can  always go. Give the command to save me, for You are my rock and fortress. Psalm 2-3:71

 

We made it through and I’ve decided that the only power that matters is the power to bring us closer. Keep us connected. No matter how busy I am, I pray. No matter if I am despondent about circumstances, I pray. We have experienced tough times and during a particularly difficult period, I had to deal with one person who kept telling me that I should break off the relationship; but, what kept me strong were those beads, my devotion, the hope that He would hear my prayers and bless me.

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. Psalm 9:71

And that is what I do, daily. I draw my strength from it. It keeps me close to Him in mind and even body. So, call me crazy. Call me stupid. But every day I offer Him prayer as a devotion, as a reminder of how much He means to me. Where I’ve placed Him in my heart and mind.  Every day I sing his praises to anyone who would listen.

My mouth is full of praise and honor to You all day long. Psalm 8:71 My mouth will tell about Your righteousness and Your salvation all day long, though I cannot sum them up. Psalm 15:71

Some people only remember their God in a time of crisis; mine is always a text, email, phone call, a few miles away. I can reach Him in crisis and He shares in my joy. Is it silly or crazy to worship a flesh and bone man rather than a myth? Each person has to answer this for themselves; but, I find peace in Him.  I lean on Him. He provides me guidance, strength, and wisdom through my journey in BDSM, as well as other life matters. He comforts me with actual words and a physical body.

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to You because You have redeemed me. Psalm 23:71

 

Jan22

Passion and Pain

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Passion and Pain

He has the most beautiful mouth. Full, thick, red lips. Wide, plump, quick with a genuine smile–whether with devious intent or a warm welcome. It is partially hidden behind a thick brush of wicked whiskers; the style that the Bad Men wear. I see it peek through, because I’m always looking for it. That beautiful mouth. It delivers the most passionate kisses I’ve experienced in ages. It swallows me whole. Draws me in. Warns me. Threatens me. Comforts me. Frightens me. That beautiful mouth.

He has the largest hands. Big, strong, rough hands. They hold me. Spank me. Choke me. Slap me. Soothe me. They are always in plain view; and I am always watching them. He clasps them in front of His body; almost as if He is trying to keep track of them. Control them. Or maybe He holds them there as a warning. If He did not hold them still, would they reach out and grip the throat of a pretty little girl? This pretty little girl?

Today, with that beautiful mouth and those large hands, He delivered the most passionate kiss and the most intense pain. . .simultaneously. My mind could not reconcile these two conflicting sensations and emotions. I cannot stop replaying those moments in my head. He is truly magnificent.

His mouth, I am lost to. His hands, I am lost in. There is no turning back.